Pain during sex is more common than many women realize, but that doesn't mean you have to accept it as normal. While the instinct might be to push through or avoid intimacy altogether, two common mistakes can actually make the discomfort worse. Knowing what to avoid — and what to try instead — can help you reclaim a pleasurable, pain-free sex life.
Mistake #1: Ignoring the Pain and Continuing Anyway
The first and most common mistake is simply ignoring the pain. Many women feel pressure to continue intercourse even when it hurts, either out of a sense of duty or fear of disappointing a partner. This can lead to muscle tension, anxiety, and a conditioned pain response that makes future encounters even more difficult. Pain during sex is your body's signal that something needs to change — whether that's position, lubrication, or a deeper medical issue.
Think of it this way: if your knee hurt every time you climbed stairs, you wouldn't just keep climbing and hoping for the best. You'd look at your form, your footwear, or see a specialist. The same logic applies to sexual comfort.
Instead, pause and communicate. Let your partner know what you're feeling. Slowing down or switching to non-penetrative activities like mutual massage, oral sex, or simply taking a break can break the pain cycle without sacrificing intimacy. According to Dr. Heather Jeffcoat, author of Sex Without Pain, less penetrative sex is ideal when you feel abrasion or discomfort.
Mistake #2: Sticking to Positions That Allow Deep, Forceful Penetration
The second mistake is assuming that all sex positions are created equal when it comes to pain. Some positions allow deeper penetration and more forceful thrusting, which can aggravate sensitive areas — especially for women with conditions like endometriosis or pelvic floor dysfunction. Many couples default to familiar positions without realizing that a small shift in angle or depth can dramatically reduce pain.
Research published in The BMJ highlights that certain positions can minimize pain because they open the vaginal canal or limit penetration depth. A book by Dr. Jeffcoat reinforces this concept: positions that allow the receiving partner to control depth and angle are often the most comfortable. For example, spooning positions provide cushioning from the buttocks and result in very shallow penetration, which can be a game-changer. The girl-on-top position also gives the woman full control over depth and movement, making it a top pick for painful sex.
Even positions you might expect to be painful can be modified. The doggy style, often considered deep and aggressive, can actually be comfortable if the woman lifts her hips upward — a technique Dr. Jeffcoat recommends. This subtle shift changes the angle of entry and reduces the chance of hitting sensitive spots. Standing positions, meanwhile, naturally limit forceful thrusting, which is why they are often recommended for women with endometriosis-related pain.
When to See a Doctor
A study from the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists notes that persistent pain during intercourse — known medically as dyspareunia — can stem from a wide range of causes. These include vaginal dryness, pelvic floor muscle tension, infections, endometriosis, uterine fibroids, or even scar tissue from surgery. If you have already tried adjusting positions and adding lubrication (water-based or silicone-based are good starting points) but the pain persists, a visit to a healthcare provider is essential.
A pelvic floor physical therapist can help identify muscle tension and guide you through exercises to reduce tightness. A gynecologist can rule out underlying conditions. The goal is not just to manage pain but to treat its root cause — so you can enjoy sex without discomfort or fear.
Remember: pain during sex is treatable. You do not have to choose between intimacy and comfort. By avoiding these two common mistakes and seeking appropriate care, you can move toward a sex life that feels good — physically and emotionally.
